I have been violated

Dearest Readers,

I have been violated. Frankly, I have been violated in a way that no man should be violated.

I suppose I should start at the beginning of what begat this terrible turn of events. Sunday night was a terrible night sleeping in the House of Mills. You see, young J-bomb refused to cooperate with his parents wishes of sugar plum dreams, and instead elected to keep his parental units up throughout the late evening and early morning.

On Monday, Jack visited his pediatrician for his 1 year old check up; he was subsequently diagnosed with an issue in his Eustachian tubes (hereafter referred to as a "ear infection") - the second of his young life, and he was placed upon antibiotics in order to fight the fierce ear infection. Unfortunately, said antibiotics had little effect on the troubling impairment, forcing Jack to undergo the first two of three straight days/rounds of shots. Yes, the dreaded shot(s). As many of you may know, antibiotics, as well as medicinal shots, can have an adverse reaction on a young person's bowel movements. That is to say, one's diapers can be quite a mess.

Approximately 20 minutes ago, in the evening of February 12, 2009, I encountered a phenomenon previously unknown to all of mankind*. A full frontal blowup. Certainly, rear blowouts** are a somewhat common occurrence for even the most well-intentioned child. However, you can imagine my surprise when I opened Jack's onesy and was sprayed with an unknown and foreign (and foul!) object...frontal diarrhea blowout poo (hereinafter to referred to as the "grossest thing in the history of gross things"). Panicking, I sprinted to the nearest water closet to cleanse myself (face included), my shirt...and my soul of the grossest thing in the history of gross things. I mistakenly thought a 1 year old would lie still and patiently wait for his father's triumphant return. Tragically, I was wrong. I must have blacked out shortly thereafter, coming to only moments ago. Thankfully, Jack's diaper and clothes were somehow changed.***

*Well, at least to me anyway.
**Out the diaper and up the back.
***By an angel?

This will be the first and only time we discuss this issue, as I will now bury the memory deep down, never to be found again. As Drew Rousenhous would say, "Next question.... Next question."

Unfailing yours,

Trey*

*Names may have been changed, to something completely off-the-wall, to protect the innocent.

PS - I give Lindsey's "twittering" career (look to your left) a shelf life of about 1.5 months in total.